What If Connection Begins With Fewer Questions?

What do you want for lunch? How are you feeling? What would you like to do today?

We ask the people we love questions all day long. It's how we show interest, offer choices, and invite conversation.

But what happens when those questions, asked with the best intentions, begin to make connecting more difficult?

For someone living with dementia, a question that seems simple to us may require more effort than we realize.

The Hidden Work of Answering a Question

Imagine someone asks you what you'd like for lunch.

You might quickly consider what's available, what sounds good, whether you're hungry, and what you ate yesterday. You make a decision and answer.

Now imagine that sorting through those possibilities isn't so easy.

Dementia can affect memory, language, attention, and the ability to process information. A question that once felt effortless may now require several steps of thinking. The National Institute on Aging's guidance on communicating with someone who has Alzheimer's disease offers additional insight into these challenges.

This is something we talk about in Project Present's caregiver communication training: Questions put the work on the other person.

Questions still matter. They help people express preferences and make choices. We just need to pay attention to how our questions are being received.

Consider a familiar exchange:

What do you want for lunch?

If that feels overwhelming, we might try:

Would you like turkey or ham?

We've narrowed the possibilities while still offering a choice.

And there may come a time when even choosing between two options feels difficult. If we know the person's preferences and the situation calls for it, we might simply say:

Here's a turkey sandwich. Enjoy!

The goal isn't to take choices away. It's to offer them in a way the person can comfortably participate in, while continuing to notice their preferences and responses.

A small change in language can remove a great deal of pressure.

We Don't Always Need an Answer

When a person living with dementia seems upset, confused, or excited, our instinct may be to figure out why.

What's wrong? What happened? Why are you upset?

We want to understand so we can help. That instinct comes from a good place.

But as dementia changes someone's ability to communicate, getting to the bottom of every feeling or experience may become increasingly difficult. Our efforts to find an explanation can sometimes create more frustration.

Ann Marie encourages caregivers to consider another approach: respond to the emotion that's being expressed, even when we don't fully understand the circumstances.

I can see that you're upset.

That sounds hard.

You seem really excited!

These statements don't require someone to explain, remember, or justify what they're experiencing. They simply communicate that we've noticed.

We don't have to understand exactly what happened to acknowledge how someone feels. A little reassurance may be all that's needed in that moment.

There's More Than One Way to Have a Conversation

Think about the people you feel most comfortable with. You probably don't spend every moment together talking.

Maybe you sit on the porch watching the birds, listen to music in the car, share a laugh over something unexpected, or simply enjoy being in the same room.

Yet when we're caring for someone living with dementia, we can become so focused on keeping conversation going that we overlook other ways to connect.

We ask questions to encourage engagement or help someone remember. We might even fill quiet moments because silence feels uncomfortable. But we can also try sitting together without expecting a particular response.

Instead of asking someone to identify every person in a family photograph, we might sit beside them and share what we notice.

Look at that beautiful smile.

Instead of asking whether they remember a favorite song, we might play it and enjoy listening together.

These are just a few possibilities. The Alzheimer's Association offers additional activities to enjoy with someone living with dementia, including familiar music, family photographs, and simple outdoor activities.

Instead of searching for the right words during a difficult moment, we might offer a hand to hold, a warm expression, or quiet companionship, if that kind of closeness is welcome.

We can also listen beyond words. A change in tone, a smile, a movement, or a shift in someone's expression may tell us something about how they're experiencing the moment.

The goal is to create opportunities for connection, even when conversation looks different from what we're used to.

The Conversations We Miss

During one of our caregiver support groups, someone shared a feeling that many care partners may recognize:

"I need a conversation buddy because I can no longer have conversations with my spouse."

Conversation is woven into our relationships. It's how we share the details of our days, laugh at familiar jokes, make decisions, and feel understood.

When those exchanges change, we miss them.

A shared smile or a familiar song may not replace the conversations we once had, but they can still offer moments of genuine connection.

Those moments matter.

Try Making Room for Connection

The next time you're spending time with someone living with dementia, pay attention to the questions you ask. Not to count them or criticize yourself, but simply to notice how the other person responds.

Would a simpler choice help? Could you share an observation instead? Might a pause, a smile, or a familiar activity create an easier opportunity to engage?

There won't be one answer that works for every person or every day. As dementia changes the way someone communicates, we can continue learning new ways to reach one another.

A little less questioning may leave more room for connection.

For more ideas about adapting communication as dementia changes, read Project Present's You Do What Works Until It Doesn't.