You Do What Works Until It Doesn’t

If you care for someone living with dementia, you have probably found yourself saying something like, “No, remember? We already talked about this,” or “Mom, you don't live there anymore.” Maybe it's simply, “I just told you that.”

Correcting someone we love is a natural response. For most of our lives, conversation is built around a shared understanding of what is true. If someone gets something wrong, we clarify. If they forget, we remind them. If they're confused, we explain.

Then dementia enters the relationship, and the rules begin to change.

We talk about this often in our Project Present caregiver groups. Knowing that dementia affects memory and reasoning is one thing. Figuring out how to communicate differently with someone you have known and loved for years takes practice, patience, and a lot of grace.

Why We Keep Correcting

It is easy to tell a caregiver, “Don't correct them.” Actually doing that is much harder.

You know your spouse has dementia, but this is the person you have talked with for 40 years. You know your mom's memory has changed, but she is still your mom. You may understand the diagnosis intellectually while emotionally still trying to catch up with everything it is changing.

So you explain again. You remind them what happened. You try another way, hoping that maybe this time it will click.

Recently, dementia-care educator Matt Field shared advice he'd received during a conversation with a neurologist: “Become a silent observer.” Field described it as learning to notice our instinct to correct, remind, and point out what someone living with dementia has gotten wrong, particularly when they still have enough awareness to feel the impact of that correction.

His post stayed with us because he gives language to something we see often. Caregivers correct because they are trying to help. Correcting can feel like maintaining connection, holding onto what is familiar, or refusing to give up.

There is a lot wrapped up in that instinct: love, grief, frustration, exhaustion, and hope. Letting go of the need to correct can mean acknowledging that something in the relationship really has changed. That's hard.

When the Facts Stop Helping

Dementia can affect much more than memory. It can change a person's ability to process language, organize thoughts, maintain attention, and filter out competing sounds. The National Institute on Aging offers a helpful overview of these changes and ways caregivers can adapt their communication.

This helps explain why more information doesn't necessarily lead to more understanding. Adding another explanation may simply add more information for a brain that is already working very hard to process what is happening.

Imagine your loved one says, “I need to go home,” even though they are already home. Our instinct might be to respond, “You are home. You've lived here for 30 years.”

The facts are accurate, but they may not address what your loved one is trying to express.

In our communication training, we talk a lot about taking in the whole person, not only their words. Facial expression, body language, tone, and emotion can tell us a great deal about what someone is experiencing. That becomes especially important when dementia changes a person's ability to communicate clearly. We explore more ways to adapt to these changes in When Communication Changes: Meeting Your Loved One Where They Are.

A little curiosity can help here. “Home” might represent safety, familiarity, a person, or a feeling. You could respond with, “You really want to go home,” and then, “Tell me about home.”

You may never know exactly what they mean, and you don't have to. You can respond to the emotion even when the details are unclear.

The Alzheimer's Association encourages caregivers to avoid arguing or correcting and instead listen for the meaning behind what a person is trying to communicate. We can pay attention to what the person may be experiencing, along with the words they are saying.

Anger may come from fear or confusion. Resistance may mean the person doesn't understand what is being asked. Someone who isn't following a direction may simply need more time to process it. And the person asking the same question for the fifth time may truly have no memory of asking it the first four times.

Understanding that won't magically make those moments easy. It can, however, help us respond differently.

Accepting Doesn't Mean Agreeing

One of the principles we teach at Project Present comes from improvisation: Yes, And.

In improv, “Yes, And” means accepting what another person offers you and building from there. It keeps the scene moving. In everyday communication, it can help us stay open to another person's experience rather than immediately shutting it down.

That does not mean you have to agree with everything someone says. That's an important distinction. You can accept what a person is offering you without confirming something you know isn't true.

Think again about “I need to go home.” Responding with “Tell me about home” doesn't mean you are agreeing that this isn't their home. You are accepting what they've offered and giving the conversation somewhere to go.

That small shift can be powerful. Instead of trying to pull the person back into our understanding of the situation, we can become curious about theirs. Sometimes that gives us information we would have missed if we had stopped at the correction.

It also gives us another way to think about Field's invitation to become a “silent observer.” Before correcting, pause long enough to notice what else the person may be communicating. Listen. Watch. Pay attention to tone, facial expression, body language, and emotion. Then decide whether the correction is actually necessary.

From Orienting to Accompanying

Caregivers are problem-solvers by necessity. There are medications, appointments, meals, safety concerns, transportation, paperwork, sleep, and dozens of decisions to manage. When a conversation doesn't make sense, wanting to solve that too is understandable.

Not every confusing moment will have a resolution.

You may have absolutely no idea what your loved one is trying to tell you. You can still recognize that they are frustrated or frightened. Sit beside them. Hold a hand. Smile. Take a breath. Change the subject. Put on some music. Say, “I'm here.”

Over time, caregivers may find themselves doing less orienting and more accompanying. Rather than repeatedly trying to bring a loved one back to a shared version of events, we can learn to meet the person where they are in that moment.

Of course, there are times when accuracy matters. Safety matters. Important information may need to be communicated, and redirection may be necessary. Becoming a “silent observer” isn't a rule to follow in every situation. It's another tool to help us notice when a correction is truly helpful and when we can let something go.

Like any communication skill, this takes practice. Start by noticing the instinct to correct. Give yourself a moment before responding. Take in the whole person and consider what they might be trying to communicate. Sometimes you'll still need to provide information or redirect. Other times, you may discover that you don't need to fix the conversation at all.

Give Yourself Some Grace, Too

You are going to correct them again. We can pretty much promise you that.

You'll get frustrated. You'll answer the same question four times and lose your patience on number five. You may realize later that you could have handled something differently. You are human, and dementia caregiving asks you to continually adapt to something that is continually changing.

One of our caregivers once said something that has stayed with us: “You do what works until it doesn't.”

That is dementia caregiving in so many ways. What worked last year may not work today. What worked this morning may not work this afternoon. We adjust, try again, and let some things go.

There is no perfect way to navigate every interaction with someone you love who is living with dementia. These are skills we practice. Some days they will come more easily than others.

Keep paying attention to the person in front of you. Stay curious about what they may be experiencing. And when the facts aren't helping, see what happens when you choose connection instead.

Looking for more support? Project Present offers family and professional caregiver education, support groups, and our Laugh Labs, all designed to help navigate the changing realities of dementia. Explore Project Present's programs and resources.